I don't even fucking know anymore

Okay, so today was alright right up until college finished. Oddly enough, college was probably the best part of today. When I got home I slipped into a state where I gradually got more and more apathetic until I just didn't care or feel. I swear, I'm so fucking pathetic sometimes. Got thinking a lot about love, which is always a bad idea when you're me. I ended up feeling so lonely (I should probably explain here that I have been single for almost a year now and barely ever have anything resembling a relationship ever. That's pretty shit when you're 17) and I thought some fairly horrible things. Firstly, I came to the conclusion that if I have known anyone long enough in person (and this doesn't usually have to be very long) then I will be too scared to even consider being in a relationship with them. It doesn't even matter who the fuck they are either, it applies to everyone as far as I can tell (guys are obviously irrevelant as I am not gay). This is clearly very depressing because it means that I can essentially only be in a relationship with someone if I develop some kind of feelings for them very soon after I meet them. This is obviously very difficult to pull off and extremely unlikely to happen, which explains why my only two relationships that I've ever had have started with me getting to know them not in person first (i.e. over the internet etc.). Now, this is not something I am very proud of and I am aware that it is generally frowned upon by society, but I don't fucking know what I am supposed to do about it. Obviously approaching relationships in this way brings up a whole host of new problems so that's just great. None of the above should actually matter anyway, because no girl in their right mind would want me. Which brings me onto point two.

I seem to have been born with the complete wrong personality for any of this relationship shit. First off, I'm really fucking weird. People don't say it because people are too polite but I often get the distinct impression that people are looking at me like "what the fuck is up with that guy?". I notice this a lot more with girls (for obvious reasons) but I notice it with a lot of people, both male and female. I should probably explain at this point that by people I mean my peers (not really my friends, more all the people similar my age). I have a very introspective personality as well (you probably already noticed) which doesn't help, I get so fucking caught up in myself. Girls probably just think I'm some kind of depressed twat. I'm not, I'm just different. I don't seem to be able to handle any of this shit either, I just get too agitated/nervous/scared/whatever you want to use. This links back to what I was saying earlier. I have no idea why I am like this, but its fucking stupid. It seems like I'm expected to know what I'm doing now, it's like "hey Harry, you're 17 now, you MUST have had a ton of relationship experience, we're sure you can cope, we'll just leave you to it" when in actual fact I've hardly had any experience, all I've had is two relationships which both fizzled out within weeks. I've gone as far as light petting (what a strange term), for fuck sake. Which is even more depressing because it seems like everyone has got to the "you MUST have had a ton of relationship experience..." stage as a bare minimum.

THIRDLY. What the fuck is the point of love anyway? The way I see it, love is just something two people do (for lack of a better word) when they like each other a lot. It never lasts anyway, "love" is only a temporary thing. Someone always throws it back into your face, or something happens which means it all turns to shit. Love isn't worth it and is probably the single most overrated piece of shit ever. Also, why the fuck do people have to make it so complicated? I don't see why humans have to act in this way, it makes no sense. Nothing even matters anyway, everything is temporary, we aren't even specks on the surface of anything we're so fucking small. So why should I care about any of this? I don't even know anymore. I know that I think these things, but I also know that I really want to be loved. So much it hurts. I also have so much to give. Sure, I'm pretty different, but underneath all of this shit that I have described I have a hell of a lot of love. It just needs someone to go to. It seems like that doesn't make any difference though.